the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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