this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
