Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
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Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
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I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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