I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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