this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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