I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
