I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
