Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
