How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
