So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
