Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
