Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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