i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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