I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
