new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
