booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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