Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
