just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
