You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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