There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
