Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
