he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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