Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
