I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
