first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
