I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
