K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I CAN MOONWALK!
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
