You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
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He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
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I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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