This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I had to cum in my sink.
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