his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
