I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
