i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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