the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
