Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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