Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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