I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
