Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
