My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
