Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
