I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Text me some of your sweat
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
