So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
