I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
