Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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