I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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