Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
