ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
