He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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