I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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