Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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