You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
