It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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