I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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