I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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