My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
