um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
